Yes, self-love. And, self-improvement.
How to value both who you are and what you can become.
I’m not perfect the way I am. Neither are you. In fact, I don’t think we want to be.
Think about a seed. Since it’s springtime, I’ve been thinking about flowers a lot, and zinnias are some of my favorites, so let’s use a zinnia seed for the sake of this metaphor. As it is, it’s just a little brown fleck. If it was never going to become a bright, beautiful, blooming plant, we probably wouldn’t care much for it. A seed on its own isn’t all that pretty. Yet, we’re still so careful with seeds. We treat them with care, and when it’s time to plant, we tend to them with the utmost concern. “It’s just a seed,” someone may say. Ahh, but it’s not just a seed; it’s not just a seed because it has potential. The zinnia seed has everything inside that it needs to become a blooming flower; yet, without an environment to foster growth, it will never become what it is meant to be.
Potential is a funny thing. We can debate back and forth all day if “potential” is even real. (We can also debate back and forth all day about what “real” means, but y’all, that’s a conversation for another day.) But, we treat it like it’s real, so let’s say it’s real. We say people have it, we shake our heads when people don’t live up to it, and we have hope in things like zinnia seeds because of it. I also believe it’s why statements of “you’re perfect just the way you are” become damaging instead of beneficial as they are perhaps intended.
If we’re just fine and dandy the way we are, we’ll never challenge ourselves to become more than what we are. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to peak at just two decades of experience on this earth when I’ve still likely have at least five more decades to go. I know I have so much more to learn, so much more skill to gain, and so much more work to do. I’ll only get there if I continue growing; I won’t grow at all if I choose to settle with where I’m at right now.
If I sound like I think we should all be perpetually dissatisfied with ourselves, please let me assure you: I believe we’re all deeply and inherently valuable as we are. I also believe we should be content with where we are, when we’re here. Yet, I don’t think we make anyone happy, least of all ourselves, when we’re content to stay the same today as we were yesterday and the day before and the day before that. Psychology tells us that humans are happiest when we make meaningful progress towards a goal (even more than the goal attainment itself), not when we pat ourselves on the back for spending another day in our comfort zone.
Much of why I believe we are each deeply valuable is because we each possess such astounding potential. I would argue that it’s even infinite potential, because there is ALWAYS more that we can become. This is not hopeless, it is hopeful. Because we are valuable as we are, we find the greatest fulfillment when we seek to become more than we are. We can take comfort in knowing that we will never truly achieve perfection. Life becomes more about becoming the greatest version of ourselves and less about trying to keep up with the person next to us, or burying our head in the sand and never pursuing anything challenging. We won’t be happy if we’re a zinnia trying to be a rose or a zinnia seed who never grows; if we seek to grow into the best zinnia we can, we’ll find more satisfaction.
It’s like one of my favorite authors, Jordan B. Peterson, shares in his book 12 Rules for Life: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” He goes on to articulate that we can be both satisfied with who we are while longing for something better in our future:
“Even when satisfied, temporarily, we remain curious. We live within a framework that defines the present as eternally lacking and the future as eternally better. If we did not see things this way, we would not act at all.”
(From 12 Rules for Life by Jordan B. Peterson, Chapter 4, p. 93.)
If we are only satisfied with who we are, we will never take action. If we don’t believe in our own potential, we won’t seek meaningful responsibility, either. Real self-love is about self-improvement, realizing a little bit more of our own potential each day. It’s not about giving up on ourselves or longing for someone else’s potential. As we learn to be content with the unique set of advantages and limitations placed on each of us, we will learn to love who we are while striving to become more than what we are. One of the most rewarding reflections I’ve ever made is when I look back on the trajectory of my life and realize that I have become more and more myself as I’ve grown. The best way to celebrate our authentic self is to actively work to make it better.
That zinnia seed won’t become a beautiful flower without the right conditions. You and I are the same way: we have potential, but if we don’t allow ourselves to be buried in the soil and drowned with water a time or two, we’ll never become all that we are created to be.
Living up to our potential
What’s an area you consistently know you can do better in? Maybe you know you’re not being as kind to your family as you could be. Perhaps you know you could learn more at school if you tried a little harder. You may make excuses for staying in your comfort zone, or for not improving yourself. These excuses can disguise themselves as self-awareness. “I’m an Enneagram 9, so I’m just perpetually unable to deal with conflict.” “I’m an introvert, so I can’t help that I’m not friendly to new people.” “I’m naturally defensive, it’s just the way I am.” ( This is one of my personal weaknesses.) These types of statements are not self-love; they are self-limiting. What if we looked at these weaknesses as meaningful challenges to overcome, not walls we’re powerless to scale?
You’re not perfect the way you are, and neither am I. We may not ever be all that we could be, but we’re still growing-just like the zinnias we see popping up around us. And that, my friends, is why I have hope for our future.
What’s one step you can take this week to practice some self-love through self-improvement? Let us know in the comments or on social media by tagging @miriamrosah and @nffaevp and using the hashtags #EmbracingComplexity and #FFA21.
New to the blog? Curious about why I push for “yes, and…” in so many areas? Check out the intro post here.
Originally published at https://miriamrosah.substack.com.
